"I Got Troubled Thoughts And The Self Esteem To Match ..."

Its been strange these past few weeks, I've had some of the best days and nights ever, but at the same time, been at all time low points. Up and down, up and down. Things are getting to me now, draining me, sucking the life from me, is it worth it? Right now its all I got. A close friend, like a mother to me, helped me reach the realization and conclusion, that I am completely self destructive, its not an ideal conclusion, but I suppose it explains a lot. I am never satisfied with anything, nothing fulfills me, I'm too much for myself. Is this some kind of insanity medical journal? Far from it, I hope you don't read that far into it. Who ever you are. This is simply a way of me getting this all out in front of me and laying it down in plain sight to really take it in and see what I'm facing. I am my own worst influence, you hear about people, who have groups of friends that are bad for them, bring out the worst in them, I have the opposite, the best friends, that are the best thing for me, bring out the best in me. It's my own self that is the bad influence, I find something good for me, and just destroy it ... why? I couldn't answer that if I wanted to. I seem to just create problems for myself, because subconsciously I seem to love them, live for them even. Its quite a difficult theory to fathom in my own, already mixed up head, hence the need to get it all down in front of me.

My work isn't at all motivating, it bores me, doesn't feed my mind, doesn't challenge me, or excite me, and I know to ask all that from a job is a lot, but id like to be able to work one day where I don't come out of there feeling like I should just run and not stop running, I have no energy, or creativity, nothing left in me after a day in that place. I need an escape, I need new, fresh, exciting adventure. Where I will find all this? I don't know. How I will achieve it? I have no idea. How long it will take? Not a clue. Who will be sat beside me? Now that's an answer I can be sure of, and thats the only guarantee I'll ever need to tip the drive and desire I have to leave this place.

I have no reason to stay, enough reason to leave, the means to leave, the opportunity, I have it worked out. Not as worked out as my mother would want, but as worked out as I need it to be. So that is enough for me to go. Where i'll stop? I have no need to know, or care. If I have a bag, my car, my music, my best friends and the pure determination to make it happen, then I will be okay. Famous last words.

"They print money every day, some of its bound to end up in your wallet" - Manuel Martinez

This is why I will be taking Manny with me, his wise, witty, and partly true little anecdotes will make the journeys shorter, the hard times easier, the good times better, and plus he has to come, he's DJ Shotgun bitches!

"..and we'll go where the money goes"

Thats my plan, just follow the opportunity, just find places to settle for a week or two, have my fun, drop in, make some money, stay if I settle, if not, move on, nothing wrong with that, its how I plan to spend the next few years, just living right on the edge, no security, no guarantees, no definite, nothing. Just my imagination, my dreams, my thriving need for thrills, my need to escape this shit and my unwillingness to settle for what this place is offering me.

So in conclusion, to wrap this up, I'm so bad for myself, I destroy anything good that I come across, but its what keeps me going apparently, my brain is currently an unmotivated, lifeless, mush, I've needed a good blog for a while and finally, Ima bounce niggahs! Peace out! Stay cool and cheers for keeping me company this past while, but this isn't enough, nothing will ever satisfy me as I constantly need new excitement and challenges that none of you fuckers can provide me, nothing personal ;)

Take it easy folks

Ears Pinned

Eyes Peeled

JackTheLad!